Honesty

Being honest to yourself is hard. It's hard to realize that your efforts have been only half-assed, that you haven't put your whole self into your health or fitness. That you've only been half living for the past several months dipping in and out of depression. Even now I'm not quite sure as I'm making promises and plans if they'll follow through or if I'll be dedicated enough, if this will be another one of those times that I will fail only to end up deeper into a depression with lower self-esteem and another five lbs on my body. 

But, I can't convince myself to stop trying. As much as my self-worth shouldn't be tied to my weight, I also realize it's mostly about how I physically feel. Physically I feel tired and drained all the time. Even though I sleep between 9 and 10 hours a night it's a restless sleep and lately I've been finding myself  exhausted and needing a nap by the middle of the day. I can hardly drag myself to the gym or outside to exercise because I'm embarrassed to be seen. The cellulite on my legs, the jiggle of my arms, the muffin top that is constantly escaping over my jeans. I can't ignore what I'm doing to myself anymore as I run out of clothes to hide the extra weight. I see it in my face, the extra roundness that I can't cleverly hide using different angles in pictures anymore.

So here I am, I've come to the conclusion that there's no other way but to overcome my fears at the gym (I still can't face running outside as cars pass) and to dedicate myself to eating healthy. My clothes don't fit, even my size 4's aren't 'truly' size 4's anymore with how stretched they are and one of my best friends and old roommate is getting married 3 weeks from tomorrow and my bridesmaid dress doesn't fit. I suffer no illusions that I can lose 12 lbs by then to fit into my bridesmaids dress and I'm positive I'll be purchasing a new one in a size 6 but I can at least work on myself until then. 

Today, this morning, I weighted in at 142.4. The highest weight I've been in years and my plea to God is that I'll never see that number again. I've decided to cut my sugar intake drastically because I believe that I have a sugar addiction and it's been triggering several of my binges. Today, being the first day, I almost let myself binge, telling myself that I'll start on Monday. And aren't Mondays the best day to start diets anyway? It's simpler that way... but I realized I was lying to myself and thank goodness I did not because I would have felt so incredibly horrible and hopeless. 

My meals today

Breakfast: 1 banana

                 27 emerald roasted almonds

Lunch: 2 pieces borriello brothers cheese pizza

           2 garlic knots ^^

In about an hour or two after I finish digesting my large lunch I'm going to drag myself to the gym to run 2-3 miles on the treadmill and possibly spend the rest of the hour on the elliptical.

Here we go again